Home > Teddy Bear Diary > [March, 1994] My So-Called Crush

[March, 1994] My So-Called Crush

some things are better bottled up

Thursday, March 24, 1994

Dear Journal,

I keep going through nice healthy periods when I don’t like Elliot Meyerowitz then something happens to make me start again.  This last time I was walking to math and passed by a room he was waiting outside. After repeatedly telling myself not to look at him I did and saw he was staring at me.  I just looking into his eyes and that was it.

Today in health (the one class I have with him) I sat a seat away from him until he moved his chair so he could see better (we were watching a movie) or sit next to Cindy J (You know all the guys you consider the cutest in your grade? Well she’s the one who goes out with them).  While he was repositioning his chair he brushed by my leg and apologized.  Pretending to be deeply involved in a crossword puzzle I mumbled “that’s okay.”

Now he was directly (almost) in front of him and the lights were out so I could only see his outline from the glow of the t.v.  A couple of times during the movie (at least 3 or 4) he turned his head in my direction like he was looking at me out of the corner of his eye or maybe he was looking at Cindy. Probably the latter.

After the movie our health teacher took out this fetus preserved in formaldehyde and had a few people at a time come up to her desk to see it.  When I went up I made sure I wasn’t standing next to him but then the people between us left.  You had to lean over to see it so we both did and he was very close to me.  I actually held my breath.  I quickly sat down after that.  I saw him a lot during the rest of the day.  I’m actually beginning to think that I…it’s not possible.  How can I if I don’t even know him and can’t even talk to him.  No.  I do not love Elliot Meyerowitz.

I can’t wait until I leave with my mom Monday.  This cruise will definitely clear my head.

“I send a heart to all my dearies
When your heart is oh so dreary DREAM.”  — Smashing Pumpkins, “Mayonnaise”

Oh, the teen angst of it all!  Being around a boy you liked could sometimes feel like navigating a mine field.  So much uncertainty and insecurity and the tiniest gesture or interaction took on an inflated magnitude.  It was like being a character in a 90’s version of an Edith Wharton novel, except I felt like I was the only one who took notice of all the nuances, the only one who gave them any meaning.  At the time, I would have traded in all those cruises with my mother to have a real connection with Elliot, one that didn’t take place in the wistful corners of my melodramatic brain. Now I can look back on it more logically, I can reason that I hardly knew a thing about this boy and never talked to him, so my crush was mostly based on his looks, and therefore I can’t blame him if he in turn developed a crush on one of the cutest girls in our grade.

I guess crushes by nature are based on superficial traits and a tenuous foothold on reality, at least the ones I’ve specialized in for a good part of my life.

I didn’t stand a chance with Elliot. But at least we’ll always have the fetus in formaldehyde.

  1. bridget
    November 19, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    god i remember in jr high i was ruled by the whole reading as much possible into the most superficial of actions. i assumed everyone was as insecure and socially awkward as i was (and perhaps they were but they certainly weren’t crushing on me) and i just assigned such magic and significance to the smallest things. i feel like i could’ve written this diary entry. high school changed things in the romance dept (mostly because i dated 2 consecutive guys pretty steadily throughout) but still man. sometimes a swan isn’t just a bird

    • November 22, 2010 at 11:21 am

      I have never heard the phrase “sometimes a swan isn’t just a bird” before and I have no idea what that means.

      • bridget
        November 22, 2010 at 1:29 pm

        one night in the garden, you were crushing on someone or another and talking to me and eric-the-non-descript about it when some swans swam by and you got all glowy about it and i just snapped “they’re just birds”

      • bridget
        November 22, 2010 at 4:49 pm

        and your reply was that they weren’t just birds, they were magical. ;p

  2. November 19, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    Yes! I feel like I could have written this too! Except that I never had a romantic moment over a chemically preserved fetus. But I definitely excelled at crazily overinterpreting a boy’s every move.

    • November 22, 2010 at 11:21 am

      If I ever start a band, I might just have to call it Romantic Moment Over A Chemically Preserved Fetus.

  3. Liz
    November 19, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    I’m assuming you had the same health teacher as I did (last name begins with D?).
    One time she honestly said the following in class:
    “Now a lot of people think that only gay men have anal sex, but my boyfriend and I- never mind.” And she just proceeded with the lesson.
    Soooooooo inappropriate. I have other stories about that class, but I’d say this is the most salient one. For anyone who didn’t go to HCHS, I should mention that this woman seriously looked like a bad transvestite…she was about 6 feet tall, brassy “blonde” hair, bronzed skin, and make-up that looked like she took lessons from a 1970s clown (or hooker). She was actually pretty nice, just TOTALLY inappropriate. 😉

    • November 22, 2010 at 4:52 pm

      Hahaha, that is fantastic.

      Yes, this was Ms. D. I had her in 8th and 10th grade and I thought she was great (now that you mention it, I do see the transvestite vibe… but she was so awesome, the bad styling can be forgiven).

  4. November 22, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    Fetus in Formaldehyde should be the name of your book. hahaha

  5. November 22, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    PS I would also like to know what“sometimes a swan isn’t just a bird” means…

  6. mar
    January 10, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    I say, if you’re not otherwise entailed, look up this Elliot fellow. It’s obviously twu wuv! 😉

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